i cannot be myself
in the social world
because they are like different creature
they will hurt me
if i be myself and try to deal with them
they will hurt me
i have to have another me
i don't like those things
those thing
that
those things
i don't have to be like that if i don't touch to those souls
but me is also gross
i hate myself
i hate to being a human so very much
i do really hate humans
i am very sad to see each time
i cannot used to it
never
because each time i would get hurt to see
the different humans
who seems so crazy
but its their normal
and me is crazy
i am just sad
that i cannot live in this world very well
i even cannot deal with anything
they are like all monsters
wear a good mask
and then it tear off bit by bit
and i can see their real face
it is very ugly
even if they can be very beautiful outside
i can see their inside
but there is not only like that humans
i know
but i hate humans
i know there is good humans
i have to hate those humans just because me is lonely
but it is not real hate
but about the bad humans who has the bad souls
i don't know why they be like that
and i think i even not have to know the reasons
because they will hurt me
and i cannot care about it most of the time
but i can forgive later always
and can think there was reasons they be like that
but i actually cannot understand a lot
i cannot understand how they can be like that
and without feel bad later too
it seems they are enjoying those things
those things which i cannot understand
how they can enjoy like that way..
i cannot understand it..
it is different
i understand it..
i don't know..
i cannot understand humans
i don't like different humans
because we never can understand each others and we have too different brains
even if i tried to understand i cannot understand
but those humans never tried to understand the reasons that why they would do those things
I always thought and searched about those
why i do and why me be like that
so i can understand why i am
and why i said those because (   )
there is like that things for each things
and if that person could be honest with itself, they can understand the whys
but those humans wouldn't care about the whys
and think me is troublesome and gross and creepy i think
it is better to live like that way
because those humans not care about those and just do whatever they want and live as they like
humans told me like that things to me too
you are do only what you want to do and not care about others
to them me is like that
but if i can say about myself alone, i want to say they don't understand me
because if i was really someone who can do anything i want to do without care about others, i won't be this, i won't just stay in this room
i could go outside and do whatever i want without care about others
i am trying to live like a shadow and not want to disturb anybody
even cannot look at the things what i want to look at in the shop
if there was someone who seems waiting for looking at there, i will leave from there because i feel that person waiting and want to look at there
and me is annoying the person
and it is the most scary thing to me
that i be like that to others
i want to not care about others
i feel a lot of stress
to connect with humans too
on the internet too
because i would try hard to amuse others if i would try to communicate with others
i couldn't reply often
because my messages will be so boring
and then shouldn't reply
i thought so
i always thought i have to be good to others too
this world is very troublesome to me
but me told that me is a very troublesome one
how to not be that
should i be like others
i want to able to not care about anything
any small things too
i am tired of it
I never can be Hitler too
I am not going to be like that person
He is pretty different person from me
He could keep look at the things what he wants to look at in the store even if some humans start to say something at him
But I would get scared a lot
how to not get scared
mom also tell me that you can go look at there
if i tell mom that there is a human so i cannot see the thing i want to see
then mom will go there and i follow to mom and then they would go away from there
because mom started to look at there
but i think we disturbed them
it is what i feel
and i feel bad
because they think we are bad and maybe would stare at us
it is what i am afraid too
because it scares me
that someone be like that to me
why?
why is this
how to not care about those things
humans would say they don't care about those things as much as i do care
but some humans would angry if i stays in the place
because they want to use it or look at there
i am scared to ride on a bus too
because they would think why me sitting and they are standing
and i think so too
but i have no courage to say you can sit or keep standing
i could stand if it was a old person
but some old humans would feel bad if i say, you can have this seat
because some of them think they are still young and able to standing and not need such annoying kindness
there is many different thoughts
so not sure what to do each time
for each situations
and i am scared to see those humans to me
and feel sad that i am hated by the person
i don't know why
how to live in this world
how to not be scared like that by the humans
me is bad so they hate me or i disgusted them
if i was not there, they can smiling
if i am be there they will feel bad and want me to die
i have no place in this world
that i can feel i can be there
but nobody will say anything if i keep be shut in this room
i don't need to disgusting others or annoy them
they can do whatever they want in the freedom spaces
called outside
if i could stop care about what they would think about what i do each time maybe i don't have to be like this
i want to go outside
and walking outside in the morning alone
if there was nobody
i don't have to care about anything
but animals are okay
i think i want to see animals and try to talk to them
they don't have like human's heart or mind so much
they are more natural
so why me is the one who has to be like this in this world
and me is bad that me think those things
but i cannot stop think like that way
because it is how i feel
but sometimes i was glad
that it was like they cannot see me
i think most of the time actually nobody look at me or care about my acting in the outside
i know it
and me is paranoid too
but i have to be like this because many looked at me in a bad way and gave me a lot of stress when i was a student
in everywhere they will look at me and laughing at me or stare at me
because they hate what I will do, and how I look like
just cut my hair, they come and look at me like me is an animal of zoo
just because they hate me and want to laugh at me everything
in everywhere
i am scared
i won't do anything
why they don't let me live peacefully
because i will not do anything
i jut want to be myself
why they need to laugh at the things what i would do with others
it is same thing
on the internet too
human mocking me what i am doing on the internet world
just because i am wanting a good person
i rather wonder how they wouldn't want like that person like me
and just can be like that
i looked at some ad or profiles of them
what is that
what they want seems same
but maybe the way is different
and they don't write like me honestly
why they don't do it
i want all to be like me and then maybe i could try to know about the person more
they can know if they keep communicate with those humans?
but if they be honest from the beginning it is easier
to know if that person is the person who i can get along well or not
someone who talked to me, they all wrote like this
"I want friends, nice to meet you :D"
or like that and told me
"I am same with you, I want one person for myself and I am looking for"
So then why they won't write like that?
and write such strange thing
They want friends
They writing only like that thing
but okay
i am cofused
i just thought its really nearly impossible to get interested in a human by myself on the internet
because i would never see so much good profile that who write a lot of details of themselves like me
nobody has questions to me if they read all of my things too
but i understand there is many who hard to write about themselves
but to me, hard to write about myself to others more
than just writing alone
because not have to have the reactions and not have to worry about this
but i have to wait the reactions if i write it to the person
and maybe i would get rejected
it is more scary for me
maybe they are brave
because they just shoot randomly
and then start talking with those random humans
and know that one was a just a bitchy, dixkhead later
but now i could understand that i care about myself
because i care about what others would think about me and not want them to think me is bad or gross
and i am just try to avoid those
because i try to protect myself
i am confused now
but i feel nobody understands me
and me is not freedom at all
and didn't do what i want always
on here its freedom
i can post anything on here as much as i like
because i don't have to care about others on here
its not social place but my place
i don't disgusting anybody on here